We started a podcast! OOPS NL

The following is a transcript of the OOPS NL podcast, episode #1

For just the audio: https://oops.blubrry.net/2019/06/21/oops-the-podcast-june-21-2019/

For the video on Youtube:

Link can be found here
OR https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNT-fKT8fQA&feature=youtu.be

Hi I'm Vickie Morgan Host of Ounce of Prevention. Also that's shortened into O O P S Ounce of Prevention show just who whoops we're off to a great start.

Actually this is the third time I've started it.   The first time I didn't have pants on and the second time I farted. Don't want to make it too real too soon.

So this is Ounce of Prevention. Ounce of Prevention actually started three years ago in Maine where we were living and I started doing some stuff for public access stations and started doing my own production with my own cameras, editing myself, etc.

So I did a season in Maine and then I did a season that I shot in Canada at the ECMA. And then I moved home. As a matter of fact I moved home almost exactly a year ago. We came to Newfoundland on June 23 and I got home in time to go to the last session of the Nickel Film Festival's Film School in a Day.

I had bought a festival pass hoping to get home for the entire festival and got in for one hour of the very last session of the workshop. Why that's important is that the workshop was called How to make a living in film in Newfoundland and I was like Yeah right. Whatever. So the real reason I went to that is because Ruth Lawrence was doing it and I knew Ruth. A decade ago before I moved I did some stuff I guess with her Rabbittown Theatre and she's amazing.

She's beautiful and amazing and I really liked her and so I signed up. I got in town just in time to get down for that last session. I was like "Everybody's been there all day. I'll look like an idiot going in there."

But I said no it's okay to look like an idiot.

So I went in and I listened to Ruth talk for an hour and I remember she had on this beautiful dress and she had on these crazy boots and I was like she's just so carefree and together you know and so I sat through the session and she talked all about things that she had done and how after 40 it gets harder for a woman and that's true for sure. And anyway I followed her out on the sidewalk my husband and kids were waiting in the car just up the road and I followed Ruth out and stopped on the sidewalk and of course started crying. You know that's I do that a lot. And I was like Ruth it's too late for me right I'm 40. You know I want to be a filmmaker. I've been doing work in Maine but I couldn't do this right? Like there's no way. I know what you just said but it's too late for me right?

And I don't remember if she said it in the session or on the sidewalk that day but she said Don't be afraid to do shitty wor.

I was like Well fuck.

So on the sidewalk I kept saying Don't be afraid to do shitty work right. Don't be afraid. And she was a little bit like Okay crazy lady things I'm sending her out to do shitty work or whatever.

Anyway so I went home that evening and couldn't sleep and I woke my partner up at about 4:00 in the morning and said so we need to break up. I'm not I can't leave Newfoundland and I'm not sure how we're going to figure out visitation but I can't leave. I have to be home I need to be home. 

We have been through so much. Josh and I've been through so much in the past five or six years.

My mental health just was not recovering living away. Living in Maine and then we moved. We were in New Brunswick for a little while and I just couldn't recover. There was no ...I tried everything... I mean I've done medication I've done therapists. I just wasn't getting any better. And when I was in Newfoundland I felt like there's at least a chance of healing here. So it took a few weeks but we got all of our stuff from New Brunswick and we've been here I guess for almost a year because the Nickel Film Festival 2019 is going on this week and I'm signed up for everything. Of course all the screenings the lordships.

So what's been going on. Aside from the Nickel Film Festival though I have been trying to get Ounce of Prevention off of the ground here in Newfoundland and it has been hard. It's been very hard. 

People have been so forthcoming with their stories and willing to talk to me but it is very difficult to start a company in Newfoundland and make a living and I'm going to tell you more about that later in another podcast.

But for today one of the things that I've been doing to you know self-help I guess I've been reading a couple of books. I've read all these self-help books I think I keep the self-help industry...I definitely do my part to keep self-help writers in business. But the two books that I'm reading lately as Wayne Dyer book called Excuses Be Gone which I got at the library and another one. There's a Netflix thing right now - Brene Brown does her inspirational speech or whatever and I really like the Netflix special. So I got her book and in that book in both of those books and I'm reading them together even though they're not connected or related in any way.

I've been reading them together and it's all about all the excuses we tell ourselves. 

So Brene Brown and Wayne Dyer all talking about you know stop making excuses whatever whatever whatever. And you know for the first time in my existence I'm pretty sure that this is what I'm going to do now. I got a couple of props for you today. This is the book I wrote in February. I finished it in February of 2017. 

Find this book on Amazon

This is a story that I wrote it was based on some blogs I had written and journal entries and things like that about the loss of my son Joe when I got my official diagnosis as of having PTSD. And what I'm realizing is that it's almost a comfort to have a diagnosis because all my life for the first thirty seven years or something thirty six years I had anxiety and depression and OCD.

And it was kind of messy. I couldn't really tell anybody that I didn't feel I could tell people that unless I explained where it came from. Well how do you... where do you start. I remember symptoms kicking in when I was about 7, 8, 9. I guess. Coincidentally the same time I started being sexually abused by my sort cousin. He wasn't really my cousin he was sort of my cousin anyway.

He was at our house a lot. 

And so the anxiety and depression I've lived with my entire life. And sometimes it was worse than others. And so what I'm getting at is that having that PTSD diagnosis and saying well I lost the baby was almost like clean. It was a clean one. People would say "Oh of course you do." It has to be this really tragic thing right. Yeah that's right it's everything. Everything that's going on with me is all PTSD Yep PTSD. But sometimes it's anxiety sometimes it's depression. And sometimes when I'm anxious or depressed my OCD flares up and it's a fucking nightmare to live with. Not to mention what it does to my family to live with that with. You know go to the mall when my kids have to wash their hands before they eat and you'll see my OCD kick in.

You'll see how many times. It's not fun. 

We started a website last year to call the walk in the parks because our ultimate plan is to take kids across Canada to show them all the parks in person because they spent the first few years of their life in the US. And so we called it a walk in the park because I said one day in an offhand comment it's no walk in the park to have a mom with PTSD. And I believe that it affects everyone in my family and they've had they've had to make accommodations for me because let's face it I'm a little crazy. There's no question about it.

There are things that most normal families don't have to go through accommodations they don't have to make. And it's not fair. It's not that it's hard stuff for them to do but the stuff that I don't feel like they should ever have to. I don't think it's fair. 

But anyway I do get sidetracked from time to time so back to the books I'm reading. 

One of the things that Brene Brown talks about a lot is being vulnerable. There seems to be a recurring theme since I got home last year that the strength is in being vulnerable.

And so I tried that. In December I wrote a story for CBC about how I was going to the food bank to get a Christmas hamper and holy shit I was not prepared for the backlash. 

I'd Rather Starve in Newfoundland - CBC article
  I tried not to read the comments. I promised myself I wasn't gonna go down that road. I thought I was above that somehow and I didn't care. It was awful. It was absolutely awful. And I thought I had some pretty good protections in place. I thought I was pretty secure. I had lots of it lots of therapy behind me and all these self care things and having people reach out and tell me that I was a terrible mom. That sucked. That really sucked and it took a long time to get over it. I won't say, no, get over is wrong. That's wrong. 

I decided to stop caring what people thought. Because for the two or three people out there that maybe it helps to hear that somebody is going through this shit.

I've realized that focusing on those people focusing on me it helps me to share. So forget the people who don't get it.

Like if you don't want to share your story or have a problem with me here telling mine, that's fine. Get your own podcast. I'll show you how to use your camera like I'll help you find your voice but silencing other people sucks.

Don't be an asshole. If you don't want to hear what we're saying. If you don't wanna hear what my guests are talking about turn off the computer turn off your phone don't listen to my podcast. Nobody's forcing you to do this. 

So if you like what you're hearing share it. If you don't go somewhere else I don't care. 

So on that note. What I'm reading is that there's power in vulnerability. 

And the thing that I'm so....for the last few months I've been Oh are you that girl that was starving in Newfoundland.

And as much as that sucked it was better than being the woman who the the woman the idiot that married again. So back about 15 years ago I guess I was in a really shitty relationship. 

Really shitty.

I had a couple of friends who died very close together and in a panic demanded that my then-boyfriend get married. And he did and didn't care one way or the other. He had lots of girlfriends so getting married didn't bother him whatsoever. So instead of quietly going down and getting married to a person that I knew was wrong for me I went big. Go big or go home. So here's something I'm going to share with you. And the reason I'm sharing this is because this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. 

It didn't feel embarrassing at the time but it's the thing that followed me and makes me feel the most ashamed because looking back I know that my mental illness was so obvious. And nobody noticed. So that's not to say that anybody that does this particular thing is crazy but I was in bad shape. The day that I got married. I think I was 87 pounds 92 pounds somewhere in that area.

My five bridesmaids that day  - their main purpose their main objective for the day of my wedding (my first wedding) was to make sure I ate food and I think I had minestrone soup from Tim Hortons. It might've been chicken noodle. I don't know but it was broth.

That's where I was the day that I got married and nobody noticed how sick I was.

And that's why I think it's important to speak out and so in the spirit of sharing and being vulnerable...

You might recognize me now. Right. So this is something that my bridesmaids had mounted for me. This was one example of the features that were in the  telegram the evening telegram I think it was at the time. So I am a writer first and foremost. I'm a writer and I wanted to share what I was doing because it was a really good idea for a wedding. It was a hockey wedding and truth be told it was a perfect perfect wedding. I just married the wrong person. But these articles and there was seven of them all together.

These articles talked about how to plan a wedding when your family's a little bit messed up and they might fight and how to pick out food that's not too froofy and how to pick out a dress. And remember this particular dress I got in trouble because I said something about the wedding the bridal shop that I went into. About covering up a scar that I have on my shoulder and I said you know I was going to cover up all my flaws I go to a paper potato sack or something my friend and I said something about the shop owner only focusing on

people who are in there to spend money and when I went in there

 not looking like I had a lot of money they didn't pay much attention to me anyway that guy tried to get me fired from the telegram even though I didn't actually work for it at the time I was just writing columns for them. That was my first brush with negativity with something coming back and it was a letter to the editor and this guy wrote and said This woman should be fired and she shouldn't be allowed to put her crappy writing on the telegram and at the time my editor said if this is getting people reading we don't care.

So that was my first little foray into the media and click bait and what sells papers and what sells articles and news stories. That's not that I was victimized. I loved having my columns. I love getting paid to write but I did share once a month for seven months I shared all my wedding plans.

And then I was the woman who got married the Leafs game and I was the only one who had ever done this first first wedding at mile one I would imagine there'll be others at some point because mental illness is rampant in Newfoundland.

But it's been the thing that I'm like Yeah. I was married before. I hate telling my kids that I was married before. I hate that I have that past and you know when we drive by mile one my son sometimes my son says mom is there anywhere else you got married?

But this was a dark period in my life.

I do remember ironically... ironically...

I volunteer at Rogers now sometimes I do some of their I do camerawork and things like that. At the time the station manager at Rogers didn't like me very much and we were televising the games at Rogers. They were televising and they told the hosts the on-air hosts not to mention what was going on during the intermission of that game. So then I'll tell you how far things have come because my show is now headed to Rogers and there's a new station manager  but at the time things were a mess.

So where that leaves me i...

I'm gonna try my best to stop being afraid to do shitty work. It doesn't have to be perfect. There's no reason to put it off and an ounce of prevention is something I'm really proud of. And the interviews that I have lined up to show you and to share with you are phenomenal.

People are unbelievably brave and I don't know if they're ready for the feedback. I mean I hope it's 100 percent positive but I do worry there's some of the internet trolls are going to say negative things and I'm worried about the people who have been so kind to me.

I am a little concerned but this is why mental illness thrives in the shadows. And when we don't talk about it, it gets worse.

So here's my little studio. Here's my little set up. I'm in the process of I just recorded the opening for Ounce of Prevention for the TV program. All the information will be available on a blog in text form. It'll be a podcast and it'll also be available on YouTube. You can see it if you're here in Newfoundland you will probably be able to see it will probably be able to see us on Eastlink and Rogers and I don't know who else who else wants to watch.

I don't know as long as it's available to people in their homes. That's what's important to me. Get in touch. I set up a new email account for the show. oopsnewfoundland@gmail.com. Get in touch if you like what you hear. If you have any suggestions get in touch. Share it. Tell people about it.

We're broadcasting from Newfoundland. This little tiny island in the middle of the North Atlantic and it is the most amazing amazing place on this planet. I'm sure that it is. It has energy. I don't know if it's because I was born here or because I spent the first 30 years my life here. But this is the best place I've ever lived. And it's not perfect. It is definitely not perfect. But I think that's why I love it so much.

It's kind of messed up just like me and so thank you for listening and thank you to our sponsors who made this possible.

I'm not sure if there's sincerely any way to express the level of gratitude that I have for organizations that will help a person like me make a living in Newfoundland. So thank you from the bottom of my heart to Spirit Horse NL and to The Jacob Puddister Memorial Foundation. We do have a couple of other. We do have a sponsor Uptown Hair Design which is here in St. John's. They do my hair. It doesn't look very great today I know.

I am due for another touch up there but Uptown Hair Design stepped up and helped me. They helped by making my hair look you know pretty decent for TV and so they came on board really early. Before anybody knew anything that I was doing and also my friend at the Guv'nor Pub they stepped up also and let me shoot some interviews over at the Guv'nor. And again these folks who were coming on when I had literally 3 followers on Twitter.

That's amazing. That's the kind of kindness that happens here in Newfoundland and I'm glad my kids are here to experience that and to learn how to help people because we're not always going to be in a position where we need to be helped. And when we are in a position to help you should that's just you pass it on. You pass on the kindness not the ugliness. 

So thanks again to the folks who made the show possible and that will again the Spirit Horse NL and The Jacob Puddister Memorial Foundation, Uptown Hair Design and the Guv'nor Pub.

We are glad you're listening and we look forward to many many more episodes. And if you are listening to this and think for even a moment that you'd like to share your story I'm listening. Get in touch. We have many many different forms of technology... I can come to where you are. I can interview over Skype.

We can do a phone conversation if you don't want to be on camera. Whatever you want to work with and share your story. What's the worst thing that can happen really.

You'll feel better and maybe strangers will reach out who have the same story and that feeling of knowing you are not the only person going through something is amazing. And for every person that's ever reached out and emailed or called or texted or come up to me in person and said I've read your story...

It's amazing.

And it's OK if you don't have that support in your life already. Really. We don't get to pick where we're born or who we are related to and just because the first few people that encountered you don't like you, it's OK. Lots of people will like you. You have a lot of value and you have a lot to offer. And this is how you find your tribe. Be you and see what comes out of it. See who reaches out see who connects when you're you.

So that's it for the first podcast.

Thank you for listening. Again we're going to be... there's a blog there's a podcast and there's a YouTube channel.

We'll be back. Thanks for listening.


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