tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73964815959273490142012-02-10T18:05:59.882-05:00When I was a hockey writer, I saw a sign inside a dressing room that essentially read "What you see in here, stays in here." Survivors have to live by that same rule. As a sexual abuse and domestic violence survivor, I know that keeping secrets only helps abusers. I don't expect you to keep what you read here to yourself. If there is anyone in your life who you even suspect may identify with my story, please send them this address: www.vickielinegar.blogspot.comVickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.comBlogger471100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-25261458655911675222012-02-01T16:56:00.000-05:002012-02-01T16:56:33.831-05:00

When my little brother was in elementary school, he called me one night and told me that someone had bullied him on the bus.  I asked what his parents had said or done.  Nothing.  I asked what the bus driver had done.  Nothing. I called the school and spoke to the principal.  Bus drivers, as I suspected, were supposed to intervene.   At the very least, someone could have reported the incident to

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-26225604506430199592012-01-17T12:05:00.000-05:002012-01-17T12:05:57.581-05:00

On the first night of my very first RAD class, the instructor talked about someone getting in your space that you don’t want there.  I was fresh from marketing and sales training back in Canada and noticed that what she was suggesting seemed a little, well…you know…bitchy.  I know I get a certain look on my face when I’m not buying into something and this instructor seemed to pick up on the fact

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-68950569460110688922011-12-08T11:06:00.000-05:002011-12-08T11:06:59.540-05:00

I’ve been wondering if I had anything to write to mark the two-year anniversary of starting this survivor blog.  My first attempt kept me up for hours.  My next attempt left me berating myself for ever starting the blog. Today I finally decided to just focus on not letting the anxiety of the holidays take over and to try to break that cycle of insane Christmases.Then the first thing I saw online

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-22920141585671634262011-11-23T13:42:00.001-05:002011-11-23T13:46:31.123-05:00

Sometimes losing focus allows the more depression-addicted part of my mind to take over.  It helps in writing the downer blogs and the holiday anxiety pieces.  It’s easier now though to come back to reality since there is a good reality to live in. My life used to be the other way around.  I lived in that darker place and even though I was surrounded by people, I felt lonely. Unlike the normal

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-7177518593384977782011-11-08T11:20:00.000-05:002012-02-09T11:40:34.548-05:00

I wonder sometimes if certain types of scenarios just follow me, if I’m a magnet for douchebags or if it’s just dumb luck that I have an abundance of ‘woe is me’ stories.  I don’t think I’m particularly negative except when I get on a past history jag. About five years ago right around this time of year I was rehearsing for a Christmas show that was a direct rip-off of the Muppet Christmas Carol.

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-30124647248579913692011-10-09T11:50:00.001-04:002012-02-09T11:40:15.344-05:00

Just because a person doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they aren’t loving you with all they have. Pretty words. I wonder how many people stay with an abuser after they read something like that. Another way to look at it might be to consider this add on.  ‘They might be loving you with all they have but their shortcomings and addictions and abuse are not your problem

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-32114766368115729712011-09-28T15:05:00.000-04:002011-09-28T15:25:08.026-04:00

Day two of my thirty-fourth year. Possibly three years ago, I mentioned some trouble with a tooth.  I pontificated about the pitfalls of putting off dental work.  Yup.  Three years ago. I had my wisdom teeth removed a long time ago and had some wonderful anesthetic to take me out of the room.  Now that I am on the other side of the border and insurance coverage is a bigger factor in my

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-17008916353980106482011-09-27T14:05:00.000-04:002011-09-27T14:11:51.751-04:00

Day one of my thirty-fourth year. This past weekend I celebrated the day my mother experienced a great deal of pain to give me life that she now begrudges. And the cake was delicious. From now until the end of the year, at least in my mind, it’s the lead up to the holidays. I mentioned in a previous blog that I committed to a large number of projects to keep my mind occupied and

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-12128798594824399802011-09-03T14:19:00.001-04:002011-09-03T19:01:24.594-04:00

If you can talk you can write.  That was the title of a book I bought years ago when I thought the secret to getting published was hidden in a how-to book.  It isn’t. Turns out I CAN write about lots of things and still cannot carry on a conversation about those very same things. Being a sexual abuse victim for example.  I talk about it on this blog from time to time but use words like survivor

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-63884199814732472472011-08-22T15:20:00.001-04:002011-08-22T15:30:02.026-04:00

There was a distinct lack of Christmas in July sales this year so I was two weeks into August before I thought of the holiday season.  I had already committed to four separate projects before it sunk in that I was just anxious. As much as I blame the past for my stress, there are a lot of present day situations that keep me up at night.  Whether or not those things are in my life because of poor

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-16550888284190133372011-07-31T23:06:00.002-04:002011-07-31T23:49:47.326-04:00

There’s a book I’d love to read that will probably never be written.  I think there would be a lot of value in what my parents would write.  Not the first draft of course which would be full of “Vickie got what she deserved, we hope she rots in hell”  but the drafts that would come after some reflection and research and the realization that things didn’t turn out well.A few weeks ago I read a

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-1686781064672034622011-06-30T01:22:00.000-04:002011-06-30T01:22:17.744-04:00

Well...what did you expect? That's really the question isn't it?  What did I expect.  That's the barometer that determines how I feel after any event in my life.  It might be the greatest thing that ever happened and many other people might want it and to me, it's more about what I expected to happen. Birthdays.  Christmas.  Pregnancy.  Moving to a new place.  Writing a blog.  Getting out of

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-53999000814030068302011-05-27T11:19:00.001-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.446-05:00

When I found myself in an abusive relationship I lived in Canada.  The prospect of applying for social services was shameful but it was an option.  As a single, able-bodied person I wouldn't get nearly enough to live on or pay rent in anything more than a boarding house but again there were options.  Those things are out of the question for people sometimes and staying in a bad place seems the

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-19502931410894541572011-05-10T23:52:00.004-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.451-05:00

Well I'm back on the couch.  It's taken me a while to make the call but I finally gave in and decided to give it another try.  I can list off all the people who will laugh at me and say "HAHA! I knew she couldn't handle being a parent." I don't know what to say to those people but it's precisely that reason that I've gone back to therapy. I'm actually a very good parent.  I start out with my

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-2525559292156617382011-04-21T21:15:00.003-04:002012-02-09T11:40:02.935-05:00

I asked a friend of mine who shares my fear of vomit if she still got anxious about it after she became a parent.  She replied, "Oh I got over that." That was helpful. I have not. Apparently the normal course of a cold for my son is throwing up.  Some people just can't handle colds.  I less than fondly recall my family saying during my panic attacks brought on by nausea (mine or someone else's

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-23796904634662861302011-03-28T08:03:00.004-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.459-05:00

Before I got pregnant I was pretty sure I wanted to write my story, speak out, be an advocate for survivors everywhere, march in the rallies, hold the banners.  I was on my way to permanently labeling myself as a survivor.  It felt right and despite some rough patches, it was a good way to turn a shitty situation into something positive.  It seemed to be helping people while it helped me too. In

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-78373234350741295232011-03-01T16:01:00.003-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.463-05:00

Why can't this be done in private? I saw a survivor/writer being asked this question just yesterday and felt compelled to answer it. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I have read dozens of self-help books, I've gone to counseling, I keep a journal and I go to school to explore the entire process from the family unit to the counselor chair.  I work on this in private too. This has

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-22120713522531897372010-12-08T11:13:00.003-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.467-05:00

It’s that time of year again when the sentimental among us find our thoughts drifting to funerals and unfinished business and unresolved conflicts. Oh wait. Am I the only one? My very favorite Christmas movie is “One Magic Christmas.” It’s about a woman who doesn’t have the Christmas spirit because life has dealt her some stress and she forgets that there’s a Santa Claus. She has a dreamer

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-12848381828673959552010-11-03T13:00:00.005-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.472-05:00

Kenny Rogers was ahead of his time.  You really DO have to know when to hold them and know when to fold them; know when to walk away and know when to run.  That’s kind of where his brilliance ends though because let’s face it, the guy in the song had a gambling problem. Sharing my experiences through this blog has been one of the greatest choices I’ve ever made.  Sometimes it didn’t feel like

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-31422698291426799102010-09-08T09:41:00.001-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.476-05:00

This past weekend I had the dubious task of traveling on the Atlantic in a giant tub.  A 15-hour trip became a 30-hour nightmare and I was kissing the ground when we finally hit soil in Nova Scotia. It was a perfect storm of triggers - vomit, water and bunk beds.  Psychologists would have a field day explaining that it is simply a loss of control that is at the root of those triggers we survivors

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-45363957786237220772010-08-03T09:29:00.002-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.480-05:00

I don’t know exactly what keeps drawing me back to the show “Hoarders” but every so often, something puts me in that space.  I wouldn’t be able to tell you when it comes on just that it does and it sticks with me.  Granted some of the stories are G-R-O-S-S but once in a while, there’ll be someone who has suffered such a tremendous loss in their life that maybe renting storage space for your crap

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-68046705215339573242010-07-08T12:01:00.002-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.484-05:00

I’ve been having a lot of trouble finishing a blog for about six weeks now.  I start off with something I want to say and end up down some road where I might piss someone off and I stop writing. It could be pregnancy brain – which for me is just survivor brain on overload. If you throw OCD, emetophobia, superstition, a history of abuse and pregnancy in a bag – this is what you get.  I’m afraid

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-24579264039397041232010-06-08T16:42:00.001-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.489-05:00

In third grade there was a girl in my class who one day during recess burst into tears.  I liked her a lot so I ran over to see what was wrong, certain there would be blood pouring out of a wound or a tooth missing or a broken bone.  She named another girl in the class and wailed “She hurt my feelings.” I was horrified.  I was also completely disgusted that someone would cry in public over

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-58998106606178075662010-05-19T14:45:00.002-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.493-05:00

It kills me to have to admit this but my pregnancy is not going how I had hoped.  First of all, it is taking WAY too long.  Second, despite all the fantasies I had, the news of my pregnancy did not instantly become the catalyst for world peace.  In fact, so far it hasn’t even managed to solve the unrest in my own life.  That’s a tough one to swallow.  Everything looks different to me.  I’m scared

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-47976803776606361412010-04-29T12:24:00.002-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.498-05:00

I woke up this morning and thought ‘I should really take down those videos on Youtube and perhaps disable my account on Facebook.’  It probably had something to do with all the reports on the radio of bodies being found and murder charges being laid.  There was one person from Maine whose body was found in Kentucky.  I thought ‘that could be me.’ I’ve been thrown – I admit it.  I had gotten to a

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-40830649833770266062010-04-21T12:51:00.004-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.502-05:00

Last summer when some friends were visiting we went to Old Orchard Beach to waste some money on a fortune teller. The old lady took our $40 and blew our minds.  “You have a lot of pain behind your eyes” – yeah that takes a genius to notice the dark circles.  “You have a wonderful person in your life whose name starts with J” – well there’s a shot in the dark.  There was a host of other mumbo

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-51041087850292884482010-04-13T13:24:00.006-04:002012-02-09T11:40:02.939-05:00

Last week I recorded my ten minute speech in Augusta, Maine, because someone who wanted to hear me couldn’t be there.  By the time I got up in front of those 40 people at the Hall of Flags, I had completely lost my resolve that what I was doing was worthwhile.  On the drive there I kept asking myself what happens after this event?  Am I going to make a career out of being a survivor?  What the

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-8157050039628708272010-04-07T13:11:00.003-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.511-05:00

I was invited to speak at a Maine Coalition Against Sexual Assault (MECASA) event. Youtube limits videos to ten minutes so it's cut down a little bit. ----- If you are on Facebook, please join the My Survivor Blog group. To read other posts by Vickie Linegar, click on the links below: The Wolves Within Don't Ask Don't Tell or maybe Don't Do It In the First Place Jerkface Brusha Brusha

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-56853828229249636702010-03-26T15:09:00.004-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.516-05:00

My abnormal psychology professor claimed that there is such a correlation between mental health and teeth that there are “Mental Dental” clinics opening up somewhere in the world.  I bet there aren’t a lot of homeless people with gleaming white, perfectly straight teeth.  Homelessness is one of the extremes on the mental illness spectrum.  I suspect it starts with having trouble at work.  You

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-27443765607862280512010-03-15T03:08:00.003-04:002012-02-09T11:39:27.521-05:00

There’s an old wives tale that if you get into trouble and scream FIRE instead of HELP you’re more likely to have somebody pay attention.  Even though most of us don’t carry buckets of water or ladders or fire retardant blankets, we’re more likely to go see what’s burning than if someone cried HELP.  That’s kind of sick. During my mistake relationship, I walked out the driveway one morning to

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-120971159452794542010-03-05T14:43:00.006-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.525-05:00

I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was about six years old.  When I put crayons to paper there was a voice so strong and clear that I couldn’t wait to hear the end.  Even if it was one page of misspelled words and unidentifiable pictures, writing has always been what I wanted to do. Stephen King’s first attempt at writing was a revamped version of a story he liked to read.  His mother offered to

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-19581141658164349032010-02-18T18:47:00.013-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.531-05:00

I’m most productive when I have to do something else.  Not so much a procrastinator as an avoider.  Which brings me to something I want to share.  Mostly because it’s been a bad day for no reason and it’s not fair to just let you in on the good days.  Also because this is stuff that’s come up lately.  Besides, the book will be there tomorrow - it's not like I'm going to forget any of it. The

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-53036241254005633502010-02-09T13:54:00.010-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.536-05:00

FACT: According to a study in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry and known by most survivors already - childhood sexual abuse survivors are three to four times more likely to be victims of violence and/or abuse as an adult.  Shitty hey?   It’s a really validating experience to meet other survivors – to know that there are others who carry the mixed up feelings and racing thoughts and screwed up

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-2344455266859810302010-02-05T12:38:00.006-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.542-05:00

*This may be triggering.  Please use self-care.   Editing my manuscript is forcing me to take a good look at how I feel about my past.  When I saved the first draft a couple of years I had composed a collection of all the memories that were important. To read it now, you’d swear I hated that little girl that all those bad things happened to.  That the folks who failed to protect me and those who

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-4232910579390030822010-01-31T14:01:00.006-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.547-05:00

I’ve reached my breaking point with germs.  This is always a tough time of year to be anxious about sickness.  It’s everywhere.  Wal-Mart is crawling with hacking, wet coughs, explosive sneezes and germy kids picking their noses and touching stuff.  People are closed up in their houses with the heat on bust so there’s not a lot of air circulation – a perfect haven for viruses. The only people

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-87343945207285683462010-01-26T11:26:00.004-05:002012-02-09T11:40:02.944-05:00

It’s good to have a baseline.  Once you establish the most awful thing possible you can make comparisons effectively.  Mine is vomit.  So when I say I would rather vomit than do that again, you get the point without me saying another word.  Or at least I hope you do because if anyone even thinks I like vomiting they might slip me some ipecac and I would rather die than vomit. I’ve been asking

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-46719704414982275632010-01-15T06:22:00.006-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.557-05:00

Living in dysfunction doesn’t usually feel like a big deal.  One more day won’t hurt.  And even if it does hurt, why upset the calm with uncomfortable conversations. So when do you rock the boat?  What’s wrong with you that you feel the need to rock the boat?  Why did you let things get so out of hand that the boat needs to be rocked? Rocking the boat sucks.  There is no ceremony or medal for

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-49341481420048810732010-01-06T15:21:00.006-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.562-05:00

A Survivor's Advent Calendar - The last day of Christmas... Happy Old Christmas Day! Christmas officially ends today.  It’s okay to take the tree down now.  Mine has been down for four days and I’m waiting for the apocalypse to hit.  I also didn’t open my front and back door to let the old year out and the New Year in.  And thankfully there was snow on the ground in Maine which means the

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-88426900913811976452009-12-31T01:26:00.006-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.567-05:00

Rockin Around the Christmas Tree There will always be someone to tell us to quiet down; to tell us we’re singing off key or that we don’t know the words; to quit showing off or keep our voices down; a neighbor to bang on their ceiling or complain to the landlord; or someone to let us know which things we should and should not talk about. I have never understood who put those people in charge. I

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-57302378244794331592009-12-28T13:50:00.008-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.572-05:00

A Survivor's Advent Calendar - Day Eight Christmas music can probably be blamed for a lot of the holiday season suicide attempts.  I can’t even guess how many songs there are about kids whose parents have abandoned them and they’re alone for Christmas at the orphanage and they find themselves sitting on the Mall Santa’s lap.  Their only wish is for a mama and hugs from a new daddy.  Of

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-485874368799763162009-12-22T17:10:00.008-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.577-05:00

A Survivor's Advent Calendar - Day Seven “That’s not the friggin’ Christmas star.” “I couldn’t be more surprised if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet.” I bet everyone in my immediate family could recite National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation line for line.  We watched it two or three times every year.  It was a VHS-taped-from-television version so the parts we liked best got worn

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-39526033897219269322009-12-18T15:03:00.004-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.582-05:00

A Survivor's Advent Calendar - Day Six There’s a really uncomfortable commercial running here in Maine for Target.  It’s Christmas morning and the mother figure is opening up a huge present that turns out to be a flat screen television.  The father figure comments that Santa spent too much, we’re in a recession, what was Santa thinking.  The mother glares at him and says maybe Santa doesn’t need

Vickie Linegarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18054667280368905538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7396481595927349014.post-10417976557098873962009-12-16T12:34:00.007-05:002012-02-09T11:39:27.586-05:00

A Survivor's Advent Calendar - Day Five When I got married in '03, I was writing a column in The Telegram about planning the perfect wedding.  I received an email from a woman who had been saving my columns and her boyfriend had found them and got very angry.  He thought she was secretly planning a wedding and threw them away. The sheer wrongness of a partner throwing something away that he knows

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Rudolph screws up New Years Today is a Rudolph day.  It feels like he’s stabbing me with his antlers and prancing all over me with his little hooves.  It drives away any possible Christmas spirit for me here in the land of Misfit Toys. My very worst experiences happened before my brother was born when I had grown out of my little girl cuteness.  There were fewer and fewer requests to sing that

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A Survivor's Advent Calendar - Day Three When I’m not worried about my lack of Christmas spirit, there’s another sensation of being completely overwhelmed to take its place. Then this feeling that wells up in my chest and I want to cry and puke all at the same time.  There are a million triggers - twinkling lights, the smell of turkey roasting,  digging out the boxes marked CHRISTMAS, finding a

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Day Two  Jingle bells, jingle bells… My ex-husband was abusive in nearly every way possible. That’s very embarrassing to admit because I didn’t think that happened to smart girls. I had no idea that my childhood doubled my chances of marrying someone who thought abusing a woman was okay. And I knew all the signs to look for. That crafty bastard though - he found a whole new set that I didn’

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I really envy people who had normal childhoods. Mine was anything but. Christmas is a particularly hard time of year when all the same songs come on the radio and all the holiday movies are played in a loop. I've always felt this anxious feeling around the holidays starting December 1 and it stays until January 2. There's a sense of urgency that everything has to be perfect and there's only

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